"Why didn't you just..."

There’s an observation I keep making which unsettles me.

At work I couple of weeks ago, a customer was mildly harassing me first on the bar and later at the end of the night while I was alone by the stock room, with questions such as my relationship status, which I didn’t feel like answering him on. I was not particularly shaken up nor found it to be anything out of the norm, but I had been aware of feeling that little bit more vulnerable without other colleagues or doormen around me or the usual bar between us, so when I returned to clean my bar I mentioned the man’s annoying pestering to my fellow barman. His reply was along of the lines of how I should’ve/he would’ve “kicked the guy in the balls”/ “knocked the guy’s teeth out” / “filed the man’s face down to his skull”, okay perhaps that last one was a little inspired by Saw films and I can’t remember precisely what violent action was invoked, but the point is that it was.

Yesterday, a Facebook friend told a tale of harassment from the London underground where one guy had originally shouted and humiliated her and then a second chose to take advantage of the situation to physically harass her, touching her leg and grabbing her hand.  One of her male friends had commented “I’d fucking smash his face in” and she replied that she would have done so if the first guy hadn’t left her so shaken up.

I have noticed just how common we see, hear and make responses along these lines.

While I know these comments are made well intentionally, recognising that female harassment is unacceptable and uncalled for, while also perhaps often tongue-in-cheek or with bravado, made by people that in reality might not actually conduct such actions, I think they are problematically misguided.

They overlook the fact that these incidents occur largely in the context of a power imbalance: in situations where the harasser feels comfortable throwing their weight around or overstepping the mark and knows they will not face consequences to their actions, whilst the target is often prayed on for perceived or real vulnerability, is caught-off-guard, and is dealing with a stranger they have no idea what they might be capable of.

Rather than insinuating that somebody should essentially “be tougher”, the appropriate response would be to empathise with the situation somebody was placed in and condemn what happened.

We shouldn’t be expected to hit back; we might not be able to; and we shouldn’t be placed in a situation we did not ask to be in where society expects us to!